Jackass #462 – The person who goes to the gym to play with their phone.

Examples of mobile phones and jackassery teaming up to make magic are legion. They are, indeed,  a match made in heaven. Where there is a cell phone/smartphone, you can be sure that a jackass is not far behind.

In fact, we’ve chronicled several beautiful examples of this finely tuned humanity before:

Well, guess what? We have discovered yet another gem of extreme self-centeredness to toss upon that smoldering bonfire of oblivious rudeness that is the staple of the 1001 Jackasses website.

He’s at the gym. He’s dressed to work out. He’s on the equipment. He looks ready to go. He might even be fit.

But wait, he’s got critical things to do on his smartphone. So much so that the machine he’s using, that should take five minutes, now requires thirty. This completely inhibits any turn you were expecting to get on it.

For this JA, working out is mostly a nuisance – something you do in between making super important Facebook posts and updates.

Best of all, in pure jackass form, you have no recourse but to endure this jackassery. That is because he’s got his headphones on, and a do-not-disturb cloud of zombie death surrounding him.

So don’t even think about doing something to make him notice you and hurry up.  Not going to happen.

Remember, jackass here.

So, what to do?

First, be sure you’re not that jackass. May I assure you that you can go without your phone for the time it takes to work out. Who doesn’t welcome a break from the information highway torrent? Oh yeah, the jackass!

Second, seek out alternate exercises that do not require equipment (a.k.a. jackass resting places). Time to dust of the burpees, pushups, and other exercises that don’t require equipment.  They will get you in better shape anyway.

The Guy who invented the “whisper-quiet” bathroom ceiling fan!



Everyone knows those bathroom ceiling fans served a dual purpose.

The first was obvious –  get rid of the stink in the event of a number 2.

The second not so obvious reason –  and far more important in my opinion – is for the fan to make enough noise to mask whatever involuntary noises may be emanating from occupants sphincter.

This is especially true when the urge to go arrises at someone else’s house.

Here was one of those rare cases where dated technology actually had a terrific benefit. In fact,  the louder the motor, the better!  With a really old/loud ceiling fan one could confidently step in to the WC, turn on the fan, and then let ’em rip without any fear of repercussion.

When one finished up their business all one then had to do was simply wash their hands. The they could triumphantly and exit the latrine with impunity.  No one was the wiser what just happened thanks to that outdated wheezing ceiling fan.

Then, some jackass decided to invent the “whisper quiet” bathroom fan. Have you seen one of these. You certainly haven’t heard one. Those things are so quiet you are not even sure they are turned on!

As a result upon entering the porcelain palace of today one needs to be cautious if contemplating a number 2. A little detective work is in order. First, check the fan and see if it’s loud enough to cover whatever may occur. Second make sure anyone of consequence is well out of earshot.

If neither is the case you may want to consider holding it just a little longer while you come up with a reason to make a quick exit.

Otherwise you run the risk that from that day forward those present might look at you a little differently.

Of course it does open the door for comments like “hey, quite a symphony you were working on in there!” or, “Was that a trombone, or just something you ate?” Or my favorite, “I thought you were merely launching a submarine, not the entire Pacific Fleet!”

Thanks jackass!


The Guy who Invented the Timeshare

Timeshares are a freaking rip-off. Nothing more than another money-making vehicle dressed up as some kind of “special value” or better yet, “investment.”

These things are total dogs, and all you need to do is look at the current “timeshare resale” market and you’ll see people literally giving them away. Pay the ridiculously high annual maintenance fees and the owner will gladly hand you over the deed!

And why is this the case? Why do timeshares suck so bad?

First, because you must pay for them annually regardless if you use them or not. Incidentally, these fees are not cheap – averaging about $150 a day.

Second, and even more infuriating, is you have to manage them or you will lose the time (and fees) for that year. And managing these things is not easy.

There are points, tiers, and windows of eligibility where you can make reservations. Nothing is simple. It seems to be very confusing by design to encourage “owners” to lose their time.

The best part of all this are the fees. You are literally nickel and dimed all the way to no use. There are reservation fees, split week fee, cancellation fees and change fees. Can’t make it and want a friend to use it – no problem – just pay another fee.

These things suck and were invented by the world’s biggest jackass.

NEVER EVER buy a timeshare. Save your money and stay at hotel instead.  You’ll find you’ll have more choices and it might even cost you less money.


Overly “chummy” employees.

When I go to a business to buy something, like at a restaurant, I go there because I need to buy food.

If it is a take out place, I want to go in, place my order, pay my money, get the correct change, then leave. That’s it.

I am not interested in finding my new BFF.

In recent years I have noticed this new trend – certain businesses have everyone trained to act as if they are your long lost brother!

“Hey man!!” they say to you with an inflection and sincerity that would normally be saved for someone they actually had a relationship with.

Here is an enthusiasm that would normally be reserved for Bruce Springsteen seeing Clarence Clemens back from the dead.

So listen up Dude – I am buying a freaking burrito – and we are not hanging out together … EVER you jackass!

Perfectly healthy Jackasses who somehow scored “handicap” plates!

I know you’ve this seen this jackass.

The parking lot is full and the only spots left are reserved for people with disabilities – the ones who have the proper “handicap” plates or  tags on their car.

Only then you see someone pull in, with the proper tags, and then hop out of their car as if they are late to a gymnastics class! No clear disability!

What gives?

I would expect to see a wheelchair, a cane, or at the very least someone moving very slow coming out from a car in the disabled spot. Otherwise I gotta believe these are not people with disabilities but jackasses who have gamed the system and have “scored themselves some sweet handicapped tags!”

And yes, they think they are so smart. Jackasses always think they are so much smarter than everyone else on the planet.

One day at a Starbucks I actually overheard one of these JA’s bragging about, “how great it is never having to worry about parking or being late anywhere – my fake tags work great and the cops never check! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”

What an ass. I wanted to punch him right there.

I am all for special tags and special parking for the disabled, but, hey, I think it’s only fair that you actually are disabled in order to use them.


Dorks who wear their sunglasses backward!

You’ve seen this move. This is where a jackass goes indoors (or the sun goes down) and having no glasses case or pocket, spins his glasses around and wears them on the back of his head.

Total dork move. Nothing “cool” about it.

Making it worse is that this move isn’t limited to regional imbeciles who number in the thousands. Several “third tier” celebrities have adopted this nuance as their fashion trademark.

The most notable is Guy Fieri – who unfortunately is guilty of many other JA behaviors we won’t mention here.

While Fieri seems like a nice enough “bro” – sorry to say there is nothing the least bit “money” about this douche bag look!

Whoever invented the “chirping” smoke detector!

Smoke detector – good!

Chirping smoke detector –  bad!

Clearly designed by a Jackass.

In order to replace a battery you have to figure out where the hell the chirp is coming from. This chirp sound is so short and so high pitched it is hard to discern where the sound is coming from.

Making matters worse, the chirp is intermittent – often with intervals of several minutes. So even when you think you have a beat on which smoke detector needs the battery, you have to wait minutes between chirps for confirmation.

Oh, and you can be sure the chirping will start at 3AM on a night when you need a good nights sleep.

The brilliance of the jackassery of this design is astonishing!

Once you finally find the problem smoke detector,  you then have to figure out how to disconnect the damn thing! Best, the detector is affixed to the ceiling – the only way to reach is by being precariously perched high atop a ladder!

If you are lucky the battery compartment is on the outside and relatively easy to replace. If you are unlucky,  you have twist the damn thing to detach it from the ceiling to show a set of wires with a connection that you have never before seen in your life.

You are not yet through the woods (or back to bed) as the battery is behind a screwed in flap requiring a micro screwdriver to open. Try looking for that at 3 AM.

Assuming you have a stock of 9V batteries on hand, and the micro screwdriver, and you don’t fall off the ladder, you then get to try to hide the wires in the ceiling and twist this thing back into place. Good luck here as this is NOT easy.

So after you put the ladder away and head back to bed be very careful as you soon may hear another one start to chirp. That is because all the batteries usually go dead around the same time.

Jackass design hall of fame!

Whoever came up with the phrase “would you like fries with that?”

Many years ago some MBA Jackass figured out they could sell more fries by simply asking every customer “would you like fries with that?” after they place their order. Great right? Seriously what’s the big deal here?

The big deal is that this simple and seemingly harmless question has morphed into an obnoxious and ubiquitous strategy for scores of businesses. Everywhere you turn someone is “suggestive selling” you to buy more.

Call the airlines, “would you like to purchase an upgrade?”

Call the bank, “would you like to buy identity protection?”

Buy a TV, “would you like to purchase an extended warranty?”

And of course we can’t forget the infamous “under coating” offered near the very end of a new car purchase when you are worn and will say yes to simply get the hell out of there.

The other night at the restaurant we were offered so many things our 9-year-old called our waitress (oops…server) a “selling machine.” She was.

We were offered, soup, salad, an appetizer, wine, wine to take home, gift certificates, and of course desert. It was ridiculous. Every visit the server made to our table was a selling opportunity.

I don’t blame our server, she seemed nice and was most certainly just doing her job. She’s not a jackass.

But the person that started this? Complete Jackass.



Hospitality Jackasses who insist on saying, “My Pleasure!”

It must have been a hospitality industry consultant who made the determination that the phrase “my pleasure” is better than, say, “yes I can!”or “Down the hall then left!”

Only a consultant could come up with a phrase that is both ubiquitous and ridiculous.

Say I have checked into a hotel after a long plane ride. Knowing my room is still 10 minutes away I have a very simple and direct request.

“Can you show me where the rest rooms are?”

“My pleasure!”

Really? It is your pleasure to show me where the clearly marked restroom is?

Hate to tell you jackass, but you might want to reconsider what turns you on!

Once again at the core of this  jackassery is self-centeredness.

I am far more interested in not crapping my pants than receiving a moment-to-moment emotional well-being update. After all, aren’t you being paid to offer hospitality. That’s your job!

Hospitality by definition should be about me, not you. That is one of the reasons I am paying $40 a day for parking you jackass!




Hang up or order you Jackass!

Tell you me you haven’t seen this  Jackass floating around town.

This is the guy whose cell phone call is so important that he can’t hang up for the minute it takes to _______ (fill in blank).

  • order coffee
  • order food
  • pay for gas
  • pay for groceries
  • etc. etc.

Irrespective of the specifics, what this demonstrates is complete disrespect toward the human being on the other side of the transaction.

It’s one thing to stay on the phone while you use an ATM, gas pump, or self-service grocery check-out – those are machines. But once another person is in play and you continue jawboning away, well, you have entered the ranks of jackassery.

BTW – this also includes drive-throughs. Just because you are still in your car does not negate the other parties humanity.

Of course he feels justified because he flashes the “wait a sec finger.” You should flash him a finger of your own as well.

The sad thing is if you have had the privilege of overhearing these calls – Jackasses always talk to loud in public places – you realize these conversations hardly need to be continued. Nothing important is at stake. A quick “hey, can I call you right back – I need to order and pay for my coffee!” effectively ends the all degrees of jackassery.

Then again, diplomacy does not come easy to the jackass.

So next time you are in line and think it a good idea to call your mom who you haven’t talked to in weeks, think again. And when you step up and begin to order, hang up the phone you jackass!