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Everyone knows those bathroom ceiling fans served a dual purpose.

The first was obvious –  get rid of the stink in the event of a number 2.

The second not so obvious reason –  and far more important in my opinion – is for the fan to make enough noise to mask whatever involuntary noises may be emanating from occupants sphincter.

This is especially true when the urge to go arrises at someone else’s house.

Here was one of those rare cases where dated technology actually had a terrific benefit. In fact,  the louder the motor, the better!  With a really old/loud ceiling fan one could confidently step in to the WC, turn on the fan, and then let ‘em rip without any fear of repercussion.

When one finished up their business all one then had to do was simply wash their hands. The they could triumphantly and exit the latrine with impunity.  No one was the wiser what just happened thanks to that outdated wheezing ceiling fan.

Then, some jackass decided to invent the “whisper quiet” bathroom fan. Have you seen one of these. You certainly haven’t heard one. Those things are so quiet you are not even sure they are turned on!

As a result upon entering the porcelain palace of today one needs to be cautious if contemplating a number 2. A little detective work is in order. First, check the fan and see if it’s loud enough to cover whatever may occur. Second make sure anyone of consequence is well out of earshot.

If neither is the case you may want to consider holding it just a little longer while you come up with a reason to make a quick exit.

Otherwise you run the risk that from that day forward those present might look at you a little differently.

Of course it does open the door for comments like “hey, quite a symphony you were working on in there!” or, “Was that a trombone, or just something you ate?” Or my favorite, “I thought you were merely launching a submarine, not the entire Pacific Fleet!”

Thanks jackass!