The Guy who invented the “whisper-quiet” bathroom ceiling fan!



Everyone knows those bathroom ceiling fans served a dual purpose.

The first was obvious –  get rid of the stink in the event of a number 2.

The second not so obvious reason –  and far more important in my opinion – is for the fan to make enough noise to mask whatever involuntary noises may be emanating from occupants sphincter.

This is especially true when the urge to go arrises at someone else’s house.

Here was one of those rare cases where dated technology actually had a terrific benefit. In fact,  the louder the motor, the better!  With a really old/loud ceiling fan one could confidently step in to the WC, turn on the fan, and then let ‘em rip without any fear of repercussion.

When one finished up their business all one then had to do was simply wash their hands. The they could triumphantly and exit the latrine with impunity.  No one was the wiser what just happened thanks to that outdated wheezing ceiling fan.

Then, some jackass decided to invent the “whisper quiet” bathroom fan. Have you seen one of these. You certainly haven’t heard one. Those things are so quiet you are not even sure they are turned on!

As a result upon entering the porcelain palace of today one needs to be cautious if contemplating a number 2. A little detective work is in order. First, check the fan and see if it’s loud enough to cover whatever may occur. Second make sure anyone of consequence is well out of earshot.

If neither is the case you may want to consider holding it just a little longer while you come up with a reason to make a quick exit.

Otherwise you run the risk that from that day forward those present might look at you a little differently.

Of course it does open the door for comments like “hey, quite a symphony you were working on in there!” or, “Was that a trombone, or just something you ate?” Or my favorite, “I thought you were merely launching a submarine, not the entire Pacific Fleet!”

Thanks jackass!


The Guy who Invented the Timeshare

Timeshares are a freaking rip-off. Nothing more than another money-making vehicle dressed up as some kind of “special value” or better yet, “an investment.”

These things are total dogs, and all you need to do is look at the current “timeshare resale” market and you’ll see people literally giving them away. Pay the ridiculously high annual maintenance fees and an owner will give you the deed! It’s crazy how badly people feel trapped by something they were once so enthused about.

And why is this the case? Why do timeshares suck so bad?

Because they are an albatross you must pay for annually AND manage! Managing them isn’t easy either.

Fail to manage them properly, no problem, you then lose your “points’ or whatever the hell they are scamming you with. So the $1K you paid in fees for your “week” – GONE SUCKER! Hey you should have stayed on top of it! After all you were stupid enough to buy the thing is the first place you big timeshare owning dope!

The other reason they suck is they nickel and dime you. Split a week, $49. Give the week to a family member, $49. My favorite, simply book the reservation, “reservation fee” of $49.

Whoever invested these things is one mega jackass!


Overly “chummy” employees.

When I go to a business to buy something, like at a restaurant, I go there because I need to buy food.

If it is a take out place, I want to go in, place my order, pay my money, get the correct change, then leave. That’s it.

I am not interested in finding my new BFF.

In recent years I have noticed this new trend – certain businesses have everyone trained to act as if they are your long lost brother!

“Hey man!!” they say to you with an inflection and sincerity that would normally be saved for someone they actually had a relationship with.

Here is an enthusiasm that would normally be reserved for Bruce Springsteen seeing Clarence Clemens back from the dead.

So listen up Dude – I am buying a freaking burrito – and we are not hanging out together … EVER you jackass!

Perfectly healthy Jackasses who somehow scored “handicap” plates!

I know you’ve this seen this jackass.

The parking lot is full and the only spots left are reserved for people with disabilities – the ones who have the proper “handicap” plates or  tags on their car.

Only then you see someone pull in, with the proper tags, and then hop out of their car as if they are late to a gymnastics class! No clear disability!

What gives?

I would expect to see a wheelchair, a cane, or at the very least someone moving very slow coming out from a car in the disabled spot. Otherwise I gotta believe these are not people with disabilities but jackasses who have gamed the system and have “scored themselves some sweet handicapped tags!”

And yes, they think they are so smart. Jackasses always think they are so much smarter than everyone else on the planet.

One day at a Starbucks I actually overheard one of these JA’s bragging about, “how great it is never having to worry about parking or being late anywhere – my fake tags work great and the cops never check! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”

What an ass. I wanted to punch him right there.

I am all for special tags and special parking for the disabled, but, hey, I think it’s only fair that you actually are disabled in order to use them.


Dorks who wear their sunglasses backward!

You’ve seen this move. This is where a jackass goes indoors (or the sun goes down) and having no glasses case or pocket, spins his glasses around and wears them on the back of his head.

Total dork move. Nothing “cool” about it.

Making it worse is that this move isn’t limited to regional imbeciles who number in the thousands. Several “third tier” celebrities have adopted this nuance as their fashion trademark.

The most notable is Guy Fieri – who unfortunately is guilty of many other JA behaviors we won’t mention here.

While Fieri seems like a nice enough “bro” – sorry to say there is nothing the least bit “money” about this douche bag look!

Whoever invented the “chirping” smoke detector!

Smoke detector – good! They save lives!

Chirping smoke detector – infuriating and bad!

Clearly designed by a Jackass.

In order to replace a battery you have to figure out where the hell the chirp is coming from. This chirp sound is so short and so high pitched it is hard to discern where the sound is coming from.

Making matters worse, the chirp is intermittent – often with intervals of several minutes. So even when you think you have a beat on which smoke detector needs the battery, you have to wait minutes between chirps for confirmation.

Oh, and you can be sure the chirping will start at 3AM on a night when you need a good nights sleep.

The jackassery of this design persists!

Once you finally find the problem smoke detector,  you then have to figure out how to disconnect the damn thing! Often perched high atop a ladder!

If you are lucky the battery compartment is on the outside and relatively easy to replace. If you are unlucky,  you have twist the damn thing to unhinge it from the ceiling to show a set of wires with a connection that you have never before seen in your life.

You are not yet through the woods (or back to bed) as the battery is behind a screwed in flap requiring a micro screwdriver to open. Try looking for that at 3 AM.

Assuming you have a stock of 9V batteries on hand, and the micro screwdriver, and you don’t fall off the ladder, you then get to try to hide the wires in the ceiling and twist this thing back into place. Good luck here as this is NOT easy.

So after you put the ladder away and head back to bed be very careful. You may hear another one start to chirp. That is because all the batteries usually go dead around the same time.

Jackass design as its most sublime!

Whoever came up with the phrase “would you like fries with that?”

Many years ago some MBA Jackass figured out they could sell more fries by simply asking every customer “would you like fries with that?” after they place their order. Great right? Seriously what’s the big deal here?

The big deal is that this simple and seemingly harmless question has morphed into an obnoxious and ubiquitous strategy for scores of businesses. Everywhere you turn someone is “suggestive selling” you to buy more.

Call the airlines, “would you like to purchase an upgrade?”

Call the bank, “would you like to buy identity protection?”

Buy a TV, “would you like to purchase an extended warranty?”

And of course we can’t forget the infamous “under coating” offered near the very end of a new car purchase when you are worn and will say yes to simply get the hell out of there.

The other night at the restaurant we were offered so many things our 9-year-old called our waitress (oops…server) a “selling machine.” She was.

We were offered, soup, salad, an appetizer, wine, wine to take home, gift certificates, and of course desert. It was ridiculous. Every visit the server made to our table was a selling opportunity.

I don’t blame our server, she seemed nice and was most certainly just doing her job. She’s not a jackass.

But the person that started this? Complete Jackass.



Hospitality Jackasses who insist on saying, “My Pleasure!”

It must have been a hospitality industry consultant who made the determination that the phrase “my pleasure” is better than, say, “yes I can!”or “Down the hall then left!”

Only a consultant could come up with a phrase that is both ubiquitous and ridiculous.

Say I have checked into a hotel after a long plane ride. Knowing my room is still 10 minutes away I have a very simple and direct request.

“Can you show me where the rest rooms are?”

“My pleasure!”

Really? It is your pleasure to show me where the clearly marked restroom is?

Hate to tell you jackass, but you might want to reconsider what turns you on!

Once again at the core of this  jackassery is self-centeredness.

I am far more interested in not crapping my pants than receiving a moment-to-moment emotional well-being update. After all, aren’t you being paid to offer hospitality. That’s your job!

Hospitality by definition should be about me, not you. That is one of the reasons I am paying $40 a day for parking you jackass!




Hang up or order you Jackass!

Tell you me you haven’t seen this  Jackass floating around town.

This is the guy whose cell phone call is so important that he can’t hang up for the minute it takes to _______ (fill in blank).

  • order coffee
  • order food
  • pay for gas
  • pay for groceries
  • etc. etc.

Irrespective of the specifics, what this demonstrates is complete disrespect toward the human being on the other side of the transaction.

It’s one thing to stay on the phone while you use an ATM, gas pump, or self-service grocery check-out – those are machines. But once another person is in play and you continue jawboning away, well, you have entered the ranks of jackassery.

BTW – this also includes drive-throughs. Just because you are still in your car does not negate the other parties humanity.

Of course he feels justified because he flashes the “wait a sec finger.” You should flash him a finger as well.

The sad thing is if you have the privilege of overhearing these calls – Jackasses always talk to loud – you realize these conversations hardly need to be continued. Nothing important is at stake. A quick “hey, can I call you right back – I need to order and pay for my coffee!” effectively ends the debate.

Then again, most likely there is a jackass on the other side of the cell phone conversation who would be offended with someone being so diplomatic.

So next time you are in line and think it a good idea to call your mom who you haven’t talked to in weeks, think again. And when it is your turn to order, hang up the phone you jackass!





Put on a shirt you old, out-of-shape Jackass!

Some guys feel compelled to walk around with their shirts off. It’s weird.

The truth is the overwhelming majority of guys look terrible without their shirts on. The fat, the patches of hair, sweat, tattoos, and scars! It’s simply disgusting.

Add to that the effects of aging! Even the seemingly ageless Iggy Pop has started to look bad. So too has Sting. Sting, obviously the smarter of the two, has realized this and keeps his shirt on through the entire concert.

BTW – it should be a rule NO ONE over a certain age can go shirtless. That age should be 25.

Only 1% of the male population ever looks acceptable without their shirt on. For some it was ONCE (if ever!) in their life. Say, the one weekend in college after they had the flu and dropped a few pounds. Or, when they graduated basic training. Other than that it’s pretty questionable.

The shirtless poster boy has been Matthew McConaughey. Fans feels cheated when he doesn’t go shirtless in his movies. Even he is leaving his shirt on in his last movie!

The shirtless crown it seems has been passed to Twilight’s Taylor Lautner. He’s still got youth working for him.

So unless you are that guy, when you get the urge, leave your shirt on you jackass!