Put on a shirt you old, out-of-shape Jackass!

Some guys feel compelled to walk around with their shirts off. It’s weird. Frankly I just don’t get it.

The truth is the overwhelming majority of guys look simply terrible without their shirts on. The fat, the patches of hair, sweat, tattoos, and best of all scars!

It’s simply disgusting.

Add to that the effects of aging! Even the seemingly ageless Iggy Pop has started to look bad. So too has Sting. Sting, obviously the smarter of the two, has realized this and keeps his shirt on through the entire concert (most of the time).

BTW – it should be a rule NO ONE over a certain age can go shirtless. That age should be, at most, 25.

Let’s face the scientific fact that only about 1% of the male population ever looks acceptable without their shirt on in their entire life!  That is on their best day ever! The day they graduated from basic training or ran a marathon.  Even then it’s a maybe. I’ve seen some marathon runners without their shirts on. Bad idea.

So unless you are under 25 and coming off a combination of workout/diet cycle and weekend stomach flu – or your are Mathew McConaghey – keep your shirt jackass.


People who use the term “folks.”

Only Ma and Pa Joad or someone living in a little house on the prairie are entitled to use the term “folks.”

Everyone else using the term is condescending and transparently disingenuous.

Clearly people using this term want something.

News flash, we all see it for what it is.




Shave off that “soul patch” you Jackass!

If there ever was a “moment” for these patches of hair on the chin, I think it passed with the early and sad death of its greatest progenitor Frank Zappa.  He is the only person (besides Rene Descartes and the Three Musketeers) who made this half-a-goatee hip and cool.

Plus, his patch was thick and full. Zappa was clearly committed to the patch.

This is in stark contrast to the many girly men metro-sexuals who sport some wispy patch of  near beard.

Zappa pulled it off. Not a surprise because he pulled a lot of stuff off. He’s in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He was the “real” deal.

Many sporting this facial hair aren’t any “deal” at all. They are merely posers.

Incidentally, they look ridiculous.

The consolation is nothing screams, “I so wanna be cool – but aren’t!” than this precious patch of lower lip stubble.

Howie Mandel wears one. So does Billy Ray Cyrus.

Need I say more? Case closed.

So if you wake up tomorrow and look and the mirror and see one of these patches in your mirror, shave it off you jackass!


Jackass #568 – Crazy Lane Changers!

I know you have experienced this Jackass. In fact, you might have even done this move yourself.

If you are still doing it, hopefully you will stop because this is a clear Jackass move.

Here’s the deal.

You are pulling out from a parking lot and you want to turn left up ahead. The road goes only one way and it is a highly trafficked thoroughfare. You must go right.  The only way to make the upcoming left is to cross three or four lanes immediately.

Unfortunately the steady stream of traffic (did I say thoroughfare?) makes this worthy of a professional stunt driver.

Our Jackass considers none of this and is NO stunt driver.

Jackass instead forces those behind him, drivers willing to make the right turn into legally correct lane, to needlessly wait while hundreds of cars speed by.

If an opening does miraculously occur, the Jackass then endangers all the oncoming traffic to a possible jackknife.

Great move Jackass! Hope you made it home to your trailer on time.

So if you find yourself pulling out onto a busy road, take the first lane as quickly as possible.

And if that bothers you, why not consider this, thinking through a better way to exit the parking lot?

Jackass # 567 – Guys who wear Tank Tops

Does anything say “jackass” louder than a tank top?

Unless you are at the gym, or engaged in some other sport, wearing a tank top in public is a far greater faux pas than wearing shorts before Memorial Day or after Labor Day any time of  year.

The only exception would be if your name is Tony Soprano. Even he has the decency to cover himself up most of the time.

What’s the big deal?

Well the sweat, the underarm hair, the chest hair, the back hair are all in plain sight.

No offense, but we really don’t want to see any of that.

Nor are we interested in assessing your fitness level. The majority of people who insist on wearing tank tops, ironically, are not usually very fit.

People who live in God awful hot spots where the temperature regularly soars above 100 degrees, they get a pass. We still don’t like ’em, but we understand.

If the person has the choice between a regular short-sleeved shirt and tank top, choosing the tank top makes the fashion statement “jackass.”

Jackass #566 – People who contradict themselves

President Obama on Tuesday said he cannot guarantee that retirees will receive their Social Security checks August 3 if Democrats and Republicans in Washington do not reach an agreement on reducing the deficit in the coming weeks.

“I cannot guarantee that those checks go out on August 3rd if we haven’t resolved this issue. Because there may simply not be the money in the coffers to do it,” Mr. Obama said in an interview with CBS Evening News anchor Scott Pelley, according to excerpts released by CBS News.

in a related story…

Mr. Obama has vowed on Monday that he would “not sign a 30-day or a 60-day or a 90-day extension.”

“This is the United States of America and, you know, we don’t manage our affairs in three-month increments. You know, we don’t risk U.S. default on our obligations because we can’t put politics aside,” Mr. Obama told reporters at the White House yesterday.

So wait a minute. How is not signing an extension – thereby insuring the checks go out – putting politics aside? If the president has the power to grant an extension, and chooses not to, isn’t it the president that is causing the checks not to go out?

Not sure this is jackassary, but it’s close.



Jackass #565 – Mr. Ignorant Know-it-All

Is there anything more annoying than a person who presents one groundless opinion after another like a machine gun to the collective intellect of mankind?

These people develop, unchallenged, for years at time in such a way that their opinions morph into facts (at least in their own mind).

Give ’em a soapbox and they will drone on second-hand drivel gleaned from “commentators” who are mostly “entertainers.”  These jackasses don’t even get that minor detail.

These jackasses send their stupid emails of conspiracy theories and other nonsense without any regard for the recipient who must endure tasteless and unreasoned content without proper formatting.  In this jackasses’ world, everything defies the application of reason.

Most egregious is that these know-it-all jackasses often do NOTHING – except sit around and bitch with other like-minded jackasses. They don’t give money to any causes, volunteer their time to any organizations, or even vote in local and general elections. All they do is whine incessantly about things they have no control or influence over – ensuring their place on the 1001 Jackasses list in perpetuity!




Jackasses # 29-564 The 2011 Congress of the United States

US Capital home to Congressional Jackasses

Rasmussen reports a 8% approval rating for these jackasses.

These mostly career politicians are completely missing the urgency of the moment and stay embroiled in politics as usual. Are we going to face our problems squarely, make the tough choices these problems need, and act boldly in a way where everyone participates in the solution?

Not a chance I am afraid.

As everyone in Washington loves to say, once again we’ll be “kicking the can down the road” as Congress votes to raise the debt ceiling to avert yet another crisis. This vote and ensuing “compromise” required to extend the debt will be sold to the public as a bill with trillions in cuts over the next ten years.

You can bet those cuts of the future will come under more severe scrutiny before they are every actually implemented. Most will never actually come to pass. It’s all just hot air and a way to make it through another day. Another day, the jackass way, that’s what I say!

And where is the leadership through all this? To quote George Carlin, “no where mon frere.”

So if you are expecting comprehensive tax reform that is both simpler and where everyone participates – forget it! Don’t look either for a global competitiveness strategy that includes education, trade and fiscal policy components – that isn’t coming either.  Finally don’t hold your breath for an energy policy that includes an immediate increase in production as well as conservation measures. These just aren’t priorities.

Instead it will be jackass business as usual – a lot of noise and bombast and no real change.



Jackass #28 – Surewest Customer Service

Today I called my Internet Service Provider, Surewest Communications.

They answered the phone, “Thank you for calling Surewest Communications, how may I provide superior service today?”

I said, “I saw on the website that my address is eligible for 15 Mbps internet service!”

“That’s only available if you take the digital TV package!” she informed me. I informed her we have DirecTV and no need for another TV service provider.

I added, “Wouldn’t the superior service you promised at the beginning of this call be demonstrated by selling me what I want and am willing to pay for?”

“Sorry sir, the only way I can provide that speed is with the Digital TV package! Would you be interested in learning more about our Digital TV?”

“Actually no I wouldn’t,” I said adding, “what I would like is the faster Internet speed that is promoted on the website. This is promoted  without any mention of a Digital TV requirement”

“Sorry sir, I can only offer that speed with the TV service.”

“Can you explain to me, how not selling me what I want and am willing to pay extra for is providing superior service?”

“Sir, I can only offer the speed with the Digital TV package!”

And then the kicker…

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Hello! You didn’t help me with ANYTHING!

What a bunch of jackasses. Isn’t the idiocy completely obvious here?

When I experience stuff like this with no recourse, I shrug my shoulders and think from a business perspective, we’re doomed as a country. This seems pretty simple to me…




Jackass #27 – Take off that Bluetooth you Jackass!

Not sure if it is ignorance, as in “I have no idea I still have this ridiculous earpiece in my ear” or arrogance, as in “Yeah, I have an earpiece in my ear, so what… you are jealous aren’t you?”

Whatever the case, no, I am not jealous. And, yes, you look like a freakin jackass walking around church, the grocery store, the doctor’s office – where ever – with that giant do-dad sticking out year.

After all it takes seconds to take off or put on.  I see why a lazy jackass would just keep it on.  Plus we are so impressed you have a cell phone!