Jackass Number 8 – People who cut in line.

What is worse than waiting in line, doing the ethically correct thing – waiting your turn – when some Jackass cuts in front of you. Worse, they pretend as if the whole thing was some kind of accident or mistake. But does that make them step out and get to the back of the line? Nooooo.

BTW – playing stupid is another Jackass move.

Before Southwest Airlines went to a number system, this would happen all the time as people would cut. Could this be why they adopted a number system to begin with?

It’s sad that people can’t follow rules. In fact, most Jackasses don’t think rules apply to them anyway. That’s why they are Jackasses.

Jackass Number 7 – People who pay with a check!

Hey Jackass, do you know what year it is?

That antique you just pulled out of your purse/pocket, yes the checkbook, in case you haven’t noticed has been completely replaced by EFT technology and the debit card.

Why now, in this long line, do you make everyone wait while you:

  1. Take out your checkbook
  2. Fill out the check
  3. Fill in the register
  4. Confirm “how much was the total again?”
  5. Find your ID that’s not already out
  6. Display your ID
  7. Have the cashier write your information on the check
  8. Put the ID back in wallet/purse
  9. Call the manager for approval
  10. Have the manager approve the check
  11. Have the cashier count out your cash back (these check cashers are always getting cash)
  12. Have the cashier hand you and your receipt.

I just entered and emerged from another epoch during this transaction. I now need to shave.

You realize is you had a debit or credit card this could have all been wrapped up in three steps and less than 20 seconds?

Of course you don’t, because you are a Jackass. Thanks!

Jackass Number 5 – Parents who tell you about their genius kids!

It’s not the parent’s fault if their child is a genius (actually, genetically speaking, it is!).

But really do you need to tell us about it…over and over? Let me help you out Jackass. No, you don’t. Honestly, we really don’t care about your child’s test scores.

This is because  (in case you haven’t noticed) in the last twenty years virtually every kid alive became some kind of “gifted” genius in their parents eyes. Well sorry to burst your bubble, but genius is extremely rare.  That’s why it’s special.  Just because your kid watches Baby Einstein doesn’t actually make them Einstein.

And by the way, what do you think is more likely – more geniuses are being born per capita or more parents are overstating the ability of their kids?

Not sure? Why don’t you go ask Baby Einstein… you Jackass!


Jackass Number 4 – Someone who reads while driving.

Here’s another Jackass I know you have come into contact with, the guy who reads while he’s driving.

Usually you notice him at a stop light where you have to honk your horn because he’s too fully engrossed by the latest Vince Flynn novel when he should be watching the road!

We understand multi-tasking is sometimes required in this fast paced society we live in! But when you put others at risk -sorry – you are being Jackass.

One day I saw a guy driving a 18-wheeler reading a copy of Maxim going 75 on the Interstate.

So, Jackass, put down that book, magazine, newspaper, carton, set of directions, mail, bills, prescription, or map and please put both eyes on the road. The world will be a better place.

Jackass Number 3 – “This weekend, I am going to run a tri-ath-a-lon!”

You know the triathlon was created as a barroom bet don’t you?

“Who is the best athlete, someone who swims a mile, bikes a hundred miles, or runs a marathon?”
‘Well, the best athlete athlete is someone who does all three, back-to-back!

Hence the dumbest and most egotistical sport, ever, was created.

Before long, people were training dozens of hours every week for a “sport” without any public competitions, prize money or the chance for any real notoriety. Triathletes were that weird breed, people who just loved to exercise like mad.

Then came the Ironman competition, cross-training shoes, and “The Ironman” watch.  Triathalon became and an Olympic sport.

Soon, the weekend warriors were doing it at new “amateur length” triathlons. These mini-triathlons were a far cry from the original barroom bet distances. These hardly challenging events opened the floodgates for the oxymoronic out-of-shape triathlete.

Even worse, these floodgates opened the door for total jackasses to swim, bike or run into.

And, what makes these people jackasses?

The fact that they can’t correctly pronounce the name of the sport they compete in.


“I’d love to stay for dinner, but I am training for a tri-ath-a-lon!”

Four syllables.

Jackass, it’s triathlon.

Three syllables.

And, hey, midlife crisis, if you are going to compete in this silly sport, bore all your friends with the details of how much you train, how tired and hungry you are, then at the very least, learn how to pronounce it correctly!

Maybe go tell your REAL – A – TOR.




Jackass Number 2 – “I need 10 minutes to pull my car out of this full parking lot!”

Parking lots, another huge concentration of Jackasses!

There you are, in a full parking lot, desperately trying to find a space. You are not alone as other cars are following you throughout the lot. Maybe it’s even raining or snowing adding urgency and drama to the event. Then you think it’s your lucky day as you spy someone walking out to their car. You slow down hoping to grab their space. The person arrives at their car, you stop. A line of cars forms behind you as sit giddy with delight finally finding a space.

Unfortunately you didn’t count on the driver being Jackass number 2 – the person who need 10 minutes (or more) to pull out their car out of a crowded parking lot.

Again, it’s the always the freaking cell phone. These jackasses are usually talking and walking while getting into their cars. They are so important. Rather than end the call and address the business at hand they yammer away and try to one-handedly put in six months worth of Costco supplies. What a freakin’ Jackass.

Finally thye pack their stuff and get in the car. You think they’re done. I guess you forgot you are dealing with a Jackass! They have to readjust their mirrors, recalibrate their stereos, get some gum, and who knows what else! By this time the car behind you is honking their horn to get around as a closer space has opened up. You are conflicted, should you take that new space or should you stay committed Jack’s space?

Finally the Jackass vacates and you pull in only to be greeted by glares from the drivers who had to wait. This is the ultimate Jackass. They cause the problem, yet you get the blame.

Please folks, if you are in a parking lot and it’s crowded – get in your car as quickly as possible and leave! That is of course unless you want to be a Jackass!

Jackass Number 1 – Cellphone guy

The cellphone guy is in the jackass hall of fame. In fact, cellphone guy will reappear many more times as part of the 1001 – one for each egregious behavior. Bluetooth can be a category all by itself. Don’t people understand they don’t need to keep that ear peice on everywhere they go?

So let’s start with the most common bit of jackassery found with cellphones – talking WAY too loud. I know you’ve heard these jackasses jawboning away with their big “important” phone calls. You’ve heard them in restaurants, at malls, doctor’s offices, airports and public places. How about on the treadmill at the gym? What a bunch of jackasses!

First, cell phone microphones do not require someone to shout into them, even on the treadmill. They can pick up a whisper. Smart phones are one most advanced pieces of technology available – they don’t require an “outside” voice. Secondly, we are not interested in your conversation – and oh, you are not so hip and cool with your cell phone anymore – EVERYONE has one and we are not impressed!

So please jackass, help make a better world by piping the heck down!